I love my father. I love him because the Father first loved me.
I didn’t know love at all. I had a complete misunderstanding of what Love was, is or should be. Love to me was selfish, dirty and confusing.
I grew up in a home that was very troubled. A mom who did her best to make things normal, what ever normal is. My father had serious issues with drinking and due to his upbringing lacked any thought for others. We were raised in the country. When I say country I mean dirt roads, no garbage pickups, outhouses, pumping your own water from a well and an acre of garden.
I loved living in the country. It was always an adventure. Many a walk in the woods catching frogs, picking apples and eating so many our tummys hurt. Or bieng chased by some rather large black snacks up a tree, fishing at 4 am in the morning. With all the challenges I face in those days. I still miss the freedom that that lifesyle gave me.
I was the only girl of five children. It was difficult in many ways. If I wanted to do anything I ended up having to participate in the activities of my brothers. I didn’t want to be a girl. It only meant lonelyness for me. So I became a tomboy. It had its advantages. When my father was home (as he worked away alot and came home on the weekends) I would take off with my brothers swimming or building a treefort some where. This kept me out of arms lenght from my father.
Like I said earlier he had issues. Those issues caused me to be a scared little girl growing up. I think at times I had stamped on my forhead ABUSE ME. My father wasn’t the only one, yet to me he made the difference in my feelings of security and love. In a nut shell I became pretty messed up when it came to love and rejection. This in turn helped me to make the choices most of which were bad ones in my twenties. It was all down hill until one evening someone shared with me about Christ. It was very simple, very plain. I had been to some other churchs off and on and even had said the so called sinners pray lots of times, yet nothing happened. No change. Still the same messed up me. Until that night. Mostly I remember weeping and thought how could someone so perfect love me, a filthy horrible person that I was. Yet by his grace and mercy chose me and started me on a path of learning and guiding me to the truth of His Gospel.
While on this journey with my two boys at the time ,we were living in an apartment in Ontario. I had read in scripture about forgiveness and felt that there was much to forgive in my life. I needed to ask forgiveness to people I had hurt and I had to forgive those that had hurt me. I found myself writing a letter to my parents, stating that I loved them and forgave them for the things that had happened in my childhood and that I did understand why. I had to forgive my father for what he did and my mother for possibly allowing it to happen. I needed to be free of all that. I also realized that in my asking for forgiveness for what my father had done this also would I believe allow him the chance to deal with his own feelings and the truth on this issue. I am not even sure if he ever knew most of what happened due to his drinking. But just the same it had to be done.
The next thing I knew was my father was on the other end of the phone declaring that what I had written was not true. When I went to speak a calmness came over me and peace that I can still remember as incrediable. I bascially told him that I knew the truth and it didn’t matter any more that I had forgiven him and that I loved him. And that was that. Within a month or so my father began coming around and bieng nice and acting like he really cared. I was a single parent at the time and he really helped out when he could. Maybe he was feeling guilty I don’t know. I just knew that it was a beginning of a healing process for me.
It has taken a while for me to work out the deep rooted pain that was inflicted. The Lord has been merciful to me. After getting married alot of emotions surfaced due to the rejection that was obviously still there. It wasn’t easy! And even yet there are times I have to go back to the word and remind myself that I am a new creation. I have to let go of the old person. When I moved out here to B.C my father for the first time in my life said to me that he love me! It was a moment for sure. It was by the grace of God that He allowed me to now His love ,His peace and His healing during those times. And it continues today!
Here are some wonderful scriptures on Gods love for His own (elect)
John 14:23 Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.
John 16:27 For the Father himself loveth you, because ye have loved me, and have believed that I came out from God.
John 17:10 And all mine are thine, and thine are mine; and I am glorified in them.
Roman 11:28 As concerning the gospel, [they are] enemies for your sakes: but as touching the election, [they are] beloved for the fathers’ sakes.
Eph 2:4,5 But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us,Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved)
If it is by grace that we are saved then a good place to start is with the Doctrine of Irresistible Grace.
2 Th 2:16 Now our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God, even our Father, which hath loved us, and hath given [us] everlasting consolation and good hope through grace,
Whats even more wonderful is that I have been getting to know a real Father’s love. A love that man cannot have or know unless he or she is one of His. It is precious, more real and lasting then an earthly father, mother or even husbands love. There is so much more that I could share and say,,, but that is another blog.